Feeling Taken for Granted: How Do We Bring Back Appreciation into Our Daily Lives?

In the comfortable rhythm of a long-term relationship, it's easy for expressions of appreciation to fade into the background. The daily efforts, small kindnesses, and unique qualities that once drew you together can start to feel expected, unnoticed. If you're feeling taken for granted, or if you realize you haven't been showing your partner enough appreciation, it's a clear sign that this vital nutrient for relationship health is missing. How can you consciously bring back and cultivate a culture of appreciation in your daily lives?

The Slow Fade of Acknowledgment

Feeling taken for granted is a common complaint in long-term relationships. It often doesn't happen intentionally. As routines set in and partners become deeply familiar with each other, the 'newness' wears off, and it's easy to overlook the consistent efforts and positive traits of the other person. Dr. John Gottman's research highlights that a lack of positive affect, including expressed appreciation and admiration, is detrimental to relationship satisfaction. He emphasizes the importance of building an 'emotional bank account' through positive interactions. [Link to Gottman Institute resources on the emotional bank account or expressing appreciation].

When appreciation wanes, partners can start to feel invisible, undervalued, and resentful. This can lead to withdrawal, increased conflict, and a general decline in relationship happiness. The antidote is to make appreciation an active, conscious practice.

Reviving a Culture of Gratitude and Appreciation

• **Make It Specific and Sincere:** Instead of a generic 'thanks,' try 'Thank you so much for taking out the trash this morning, especially when I was running late. I really appreciate that.' Specificity shows you're paying attention.
• **Notice the 'Ordinary':** Appreciate not just the grand gestures, but the everyday contributions and efforts – making coffee, listening after a tough day, handling a chore, their patience, their humor.
• **Express Gratitude for Who They Are, Not Just What They Do:** 'I really admire how kind you are to others,' or 'I love your sense of adventure.' This affirms their character.
• **The 5-to-1 Ratio:** Dr. Gottman's research suggests that stable, happy couples have a ratio of at least five positive interactions (which can include expressions of appreciation) for every one negative interaction during conflict. Strive for a high ratio in everyday life too.
• **Create Rituals of Appreciation:** This could be sharing one thing you appreciate about each other at the end of the day, writing occasional appreciation notes, or having a weekly 'gratitude check-in.'
• **Show, Don't Just Tell:** Appreciation can also be shown through actions – a thoughtful gesture, offering help, a hug, or planning something special based on their preferences.
• **Receive Appreciation Gracefully:** When your partner appreciates you, accept it with a simple 'thank you.' Don't deflect or minimize it. This encourages them to continue.

Bringing back appreciation isn't about insincere flattery; it's about genuinely seeing and acknowledging the good in your partner and your relationship. It requires a shift in perspective from focusing on what's missing or annoying to actively looking for and voicing the positives. This simple but powerful practice can transform the emotional climate of your relationship, making both partners feel more valued, loved, and connected.

Want to cultivate more appreciation in your relationship? Pebble offers prompts and ideas to help you notice and express gratitude for your partner. Start your journey with Pebble today.